Dark night of the Soul
Mother Teresa is in the news. Personal letters revealed that she struggled with her faith to the point she questioned the existence of God. Some are suggesting she should not be considered for sainthood based on her confession.
The Christians I have known who are on a level spiritually that I have yet to attain without exception all experienced dark nights of the soul.
The following is a paper I wrote while in formation expressing where I was spiritually speaking during my second year in a five year process. I decided to share these thoughts and concerns in hopes it might help someone who may be struggling with their faith. Additionally I wanted to share my faith struggle get it out in the open for all to see. My dark night of the soul according to some will eliminate any possibility of sainthood for me. Oh well as a Baptist I never considered sainthood any way. Truth is sainthood is between me and God not a bystander reading isolated thoughts and fears.
Please read on…….. A Dark Night
Deacons are obliged to give priority to their spiritual life. They should integrate family, professional life and ministerial responsibilities. The goal of realigning priorities in our lives is to grow in our commitment to the person and mission of Christ.
My life seems to be one realignment after another. A perpetual discernment process. Having traveled this road from a different direction you may think that this process is a walk in the park for me. In some ways it is easier and in others it is a mountain to climb.
I can say without reservation that God is first in my life. God however may wonder where I am at sometimes. I think alignment of priorities can not be done one time to be set in stone forever.
Last year I heard that the ideal list or order would be work, family then formation. The reality for me is that during formation the formation process is first. As the year progresses formation may get pushed down to last place behind work or family or ministry.
The key for me is to continue to examine where I am determine what the most pressing needs are and address those areas first. My relationship with God suffered when I was in seminary. Seems odd but trying to study, work and maintain a family life left little time to pray and meditate. After graduation the prayer life and bible study came easier because they took priority, pasturing the flock came next and as a result my family suffered.
At this point in formation the squeaky wheel is getting the grease.
The help I am receiving is coming from my family. Beckey has been very understanding when I have gotten up from the dinner table to go study. I could not begin to complete this process if she was not there to help me. In addition I have my Deacon Mentor. He has made time for me. But to be honest it is extremely difficult for us to get together. We talk on the phone from time to time. His insight into this process has been helpful.
My spiritual advisor, a good man with a big heart has not been a great deal of help. It is partly him and mostly me. I am in a different place than the other men in formation I have done many of the things we are preparing to do. My spiritual direction has been my responsibility for my entire Christian live. It appears I do not take direction well, and have a need to do my own spiritual direction. Old habits are hard to break. But I think more than that I don’t share what is on my mind with him. I suppose I still want to do it myself. I am not saying I have not been helped by his advice but I am not getting all I can from this aspect of the process.
My prayer life is much the same as it was during the interview process for formation. I get bored easily and making time for the office is not always easy. The office helps keep me on track but I am still learning to pray the office. I suppose I over look some things and at times do not pray the office properly but I don not think God is concerned with all that.
This year has been one of the most difficult for my family and me. We made the decision to have Becky’s parents move in with us. So we found a house suitable for all concerned, purchased the new house and put the old one on the market. In the midst of all of this Beckey’s Mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She was operated on and died nine days later, unable to recover from surgery.
Beckey’s Dad moved in and we are adjusting to the new living arrangements. The old house is still on the market, so we now have two mortgage payments. Through all of this I put my family first and my formation responsibility has taken a back seat.
We learned last week that Beckey has to have knee replacement surgery. It is scheduled for August 13. Once again I find myself adjusting and realigning my priorities. My formation has to be placed once again on the back burner. My family must take the top spot for awhile.
Many things have taken place this year; my life has changed and is evolving everyday. Though I may not always pray the office correctly it is a blessing to me. I know all the men in formation, all the Priest and Religious are praying with me. The sense of community I have found in this processes as well as the church is a comfort. I know I am not alone. If I ask for prayers for myself and my family I know my Brothers whisper my name to God.
This year has been a struggle. Just because you commit to formation does not mean life stops and allows you to get off for five years later and jump back on when it is over. Life happens during these five years of formation. Our loved ones die, difficult decisions are made. Life goes on. Hopes, dreams, troubles, trials all come our way. These things make formation more difficult to be sure. But the formation process can be the life line to get us through the hard times. The time we invest in formation can be a blessing or a curse. Our attitudes will have a great deal to do with how we view the things life throws our way.
The Christians I have known who are on a level spiritually that I have yet to attain without exception all experienced dark nights of the soul.
The following is a paper I wrote while in formation expressing where I was spiritually speaking during my second year in a five year process. I decided to share these thoughts and concerns in hopes it might help someone who may be struggling with their faith. Additionally I wanted to share my faith struggle get it out in the open for all to see. My dark night of the soul according to some will eliminate any possibility of sainthood for me. Oh well as a Baptist I never considered sainthood any way. Truth is sainthood is between me and God not a bystander reading isolated thoughts and fears.
Please read on…….. A Dark Night
Deacons are obliged to give priority to their spiritual life. They should integrate family, professional life and ministerial responsibilities. The goal of realigning priorities in our lives is to grow in our commitment to the person and mission of Christ.
My life seems to be one realignment after another. A perpetual discernment process. Having traveled this road from a different direction you may think that this process is a walk in the park for me. In some ways it is easier and in others it is a mountain to climb.
I can say without reservation that God is first in my life. God however may wonder where I am at sometimes. I think alignment of priorities can not be done one time to be set in stone forever.
Last year I heard that the ideal list or order would be work, family then formation. The reality for me is that during formation the formation process is first. As the year progresses formation may get pushed down to last place behind work or family or ministry.
The key for me is to continue to examine where I am determine what the most pressing needs are and address those areas first. My relationship with God suffered when I was in seminary. Seems odd but trying to study, work and maintain a family life left little time to pray and meditate. After graduation the prayer life and bible study came easier because they took priority, pasturing the flock came next and as a result my family suffered.
At this point in formation the squeaky wheel is getting the grease.
The help I am receiving is coming from my family. Beckey has been very understanding when I have gotten up from the dinner table to go study. I could not begin to complete this process if she was not there to help me. In addition I have my Deacon Mentor. He has made time for me. But to be honest it is extremely difficult for us to get together. We talk on the phone from time to time. His insight into this process has been helpful.
My spiritual advisor, a good man with a big heart has not been a great deal of help. It is partly him and mostly me. I am in a different place than the other men in formation I have done many of the things we are preparing to do. My spiritual direction has been my responsibility for my entire Christian live. It appears I do not take direction well, and have a need to do my own spiritual direction. Old habits are hard to break. But I think more than that I don’t share what is on my mind with him. I suppose I still want to do it myself. I am not saying I have not been helped by his advice but I am not getting all I can from this aspect of the process.
My prayer life is much the same as it was during the interview process for formation. I get bored easily and making time for the office is not always easy. The office helps keep me on track but I am still learning to pray the office. I suppose I over look some things and at times do not pray the office properly but I don not think God is concerned with all that.
This year has been one of the most difficult for my family and me. We made the decision to have Becky’s parents move in with us. So we found a house suitable for all concerned, purchased the new house and put the old one on the market. In the midst of all of this Beckey’s Mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She was operated on and died nine days later, unable to recover from surgery.
Beckey’s Dad moved in and we are adjusting to the new living arrangements. The old house is still on the market, so we now have two mortgage payments. Through all of this I put my family first and my formation responsibility has taken a back seat.
We learned last week that Beckey has to have knee replacement surgery. It is scheduled for August 13. Once again I find myself adjusting and realigning my priorities. My formation has to be placed once again on the back burner. My family must take the top spot for awhile.
Many things have taken place this year; my life has changed and is evolving everyday. Though I may not always pray the office correctly it is a blessing to me. I know all the men in formation, all the Priest and Religious are praying with me. The sense of community I have found in this processes as well as the church is a comfort. I know I am not alone. If I ask for prayers for myself and my family I know my Brothers whisper my name to God.
This year has been a struggle. Just because you commit to formation does not mean life stops and allows you to get off for five years later and jump back on when it is over. Life happens during these five years of formation. Our loved ones die, difficult decisions are made. Life goes on. Hopes, dreams, troubles, trials all come our way. These things make formation more difficult to be sure. But the formation process can be the life line to get us through the hard times. The time we invest in formation can be a blessing or a curse. Our attitudes will have a great deal to do with how we view the things life throws our way.
